Tuesday 20 January 2015

The Beauty of Big Families

Sometimes you just have to laugh
I love to see the families at Mass. Our TLM has been dominated by single people--uni students, thirty-somethings, middle-aged, elderly--but of late more parents have been coming, and with them their children. There's a man with three little sons, and a couple with children ranging from a teenage daughter to a babe in arms. There's an elegant Frenchwoman with four children. There is a young couple with just one baby so far. It is so just nice to see so much young life and their noble, fruitful parents.

Apparently large families are a cliché at American TLMs, but they certainly aren't here in Edinburgh. I haven't seen any at the TLM in Rome or Barcelona. The TLM in Kraków was so packed, I couldn't tell. And to be honest, in Europe "big family" can mean two parents, three children. When I was a kid in Toronto, people thought my own family--two parents, five children--was huge. Only one other kid in my elementary school class came from a big family. and I believe she was the youngest.

From a trad point of view, five children is not a lot. Eight is a lot. Twelve is amazing but not particularly weird. I once taught children from a twelve-child family, and they were terribly sweet. I was absolutely one hundred percent determined never to become a housewife, so I never hankered after twelve children myself. I thought four or five would be fine. Then I married someone who didn't like children. Wah. Then, despite swift granting of an annulment, I didn't marry again until thirty-eight. Wah again. 

I am sure mothers of big families sometimes wonder what they would do if they didn't spend every penny and waking moment on their husband and children. Well, I write, blog, learn Polish, do housework and faff about. It's not very noble, but it's not meaningless either.* My husband has quite a good if underpaid job in the charity/heritage sector which he really enjoys and can afford to do. It gives him time to do research, give lectures, publish articles, hobnob with painters, and meet other interesting people. We have long quiet evenings. We very occasionally go out and have what we call "a boozy lunch" and, indeed, we go on annual trips to continental Europe. (Most of my earnings go on these trips.) But we don't spend much money on clothing, home decor, cars (we have no car), beauticians, etc. Even childless married couples can't always go crazy with the so-called disposable income. We are having a good time now, but old age looms before us with all of its horrors. The horrors are likely to be worse for us than for parents because we have no children to prop us up in an emergency, and we will have no grandchildren to keep us young. 

Fortunately my excellent parents gave me, on top of everything else, four splendid siblings whom I now share with Benedict Ambrose. I hope they have more or less forgiven me for my autocratic older sister ways by now. So far two of my siblings have provided us with nephews and a niece, so thank the heavens, we are not entirely bereft of children to love and be loved by. Siblings are the gift that keep on giving--at least in a family like mine where the siblings get along tolerably well.  Having a big family ensures continuity, company and care down to the second generation.

My mother is not crazy about children, but she liked her own and dedicated thirty years to feeding us, buying or making, washing and ironing our clothing and bedding, enrolling us in school and various extracurricular classes, driving us to hockey practice, spending the "Baby Bonus" on our shoes, cleaning after us, encouraging us to read and write, and with our father taking us to church. My father bankrolled the operation, made pancakes or waffles on weekends, and took his daughters to Saturday dance classes at his university, where he got some more work done. 

Naturally my mother's child-centered life went entirely against the zeitgeist, which told her that she had had "such a little life" and I am deeply sorry that she didn't know many other women with big families and was rarely (or never) told what an amazing and noble life she was living. She wasn't a Catholic when Pius XII was alive, and I don't think she ever read this wonderful speech.

I feel rather rueful about Pius XII's thoughts on the son's salary, for my generation is the first in Canada to be poorer than its parents, but there are different ways one can reward one's parents. Now that their child-raising is done, my parents can afford to travel to Europe on holiday, and naturally they stay with us in the Historical House. When they like, they can also drive to French Canada and stay with my brother Nulli and his growing family in a beautiful house by a lake.  My other brother and both my sisters still live in Toronto, so they can keep my parents company and generally keep an eye on them. My nephew Pirate provides my semi-retired father with essential duties. (Men of all ages like being needed, and we really need my dad to help take care of Pirate.)

My childhood was not halcyon, and although I loved my brothers and sisters dearly, the message I got from my soi-disant Catholic school, via the playground, was that big families were weird and what really mattered was having enough money for the finer things in life, especially the fashionable clothing my mother didn't want to (and probably couldn't) waste the family income on. This anti-child attitude, among Catholic children themselves, is most definitely a gift of the Spirit of the Second Vatican Council, to say nothing of the Winnipeg Statement, that I find difficult to forgive. 

Thus, what should have been my joy in growing up in a large and lively middle-class Catholic family (my father has never had a day's unemployment) was overshadowed by a widespread ideology that claimed housewives were parasites, large families bad for the environment, and luxuries like the latest fashions absolute essentials for teenage girls. 

That said, I had fun and frolics only-child B.A. could only dream of, and I would not have exchanged any of my siblings for all the fashionable clothing, bags, make-up, fancy holidays, riding lessons in the world. In my dreams I return to the little house on my childhood street with its big back yard, swing set, sandbox and siblings. My mother is always young, with her long hair in a braid, pinning the clothes to the laundry line while I marvel at her muscular housewife's baby-toting arms. The sun is pouring down, and my sister Tertia's hair shines like gold.
/
Fun fact: a group of bunnies is called a fluffle.


*The housework and the hospitality are on the noble side of the ledger, of course. The Christian married woman is never more clearly a queen than when she is on her knees before the oven, the washing machine, the scrubbing brush, the pile of socks or the small child.

UPDATE: On the way home from dinner at the house of friends'--no word of a lie--B.A. and I saw TWO RABBITS! And GUESS what we told them? (Hee hee hee!) Guess! Guess! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

30 comments:

  1. Personally I can't see the connection between the anti-child attitude now running rampant throughout Western culture (up to and including Catholics) and Vatican II. I'd have been more likely myself to put it down to birth control and the "free love" movement.

    I have heard Vatican II named on several occasions as the root cause of this or that evil in the Church today, but have never heard or read a reasonable explanation to back up the claims. Could you expand on this topic a bit, perhaps?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, but I wrote "the Spirit of Vatican II." That is quite different from the actual documents of Vatican II. The essence of "the Spirit" is "The Church can has changed and should keep on changing because God doesn't care if I .... blah blah blah" except when it comes to the cause du jour, e.g. recycling.

      That said, Vatican II redefined marriage by talking about the unitive and procreative aspects instead of the procreative and unitive aspects. Before Vatican II the reason for marriage was children and the good of the spouses, the emphasis being on CHILDREN. You see the subtle but telling difference there?

      But at any rate, it isn't V2, which relatively few Catholics have actually read, I blame. It's the so-called "Spirit" of V2, plus, of course, the inability of priests to get their people to understand and put their faith in Humanae Vitae. (In Canada, the Winnipeg Statement was the epitome of non-reception of HV.)

      Delete
  2. The key, of course, is that while a large family is good, one shouldn't actively seek it at the cost of providing for surviving children or serious risk to life.

    There's also the problem - at least in America, though not so much in these parts - where some assume that a married woman over a certain age, if they don't have a large family, must not be following Holy Mother Church's teaching on the family. Why, if you weren't relatively well-known, they might say that about you! Some people unfortunately havecwrapped up fecundity with fidelity, and lack thereof with infidelity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know they would. Which is why I wrote in the "Catholic Register" that I would be SOOO mad if I found out people said that about me. Sneering at someone because they have too few children--perhaps a real tragedy for the couple--is almost as bad because "they have too many."

      And here's a new wrinkle: if a married woman over forty has a baby or twins, how many people will rejoice "A miracle!" and how many will snarl "I bet it was IVF"?

      Delete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. There is the idea that you should have as many kids as possible and only use NFP in the very gravest circumstances. I have been derided for only having one child! (To which I say, "you have to only have one sometime"). If the birth of another child would put you into debt, NFP is not warranted, even for a few months, because a "baby always comes with a basket of bread." One friend of mine weaned her son shortly after his first birthday at the insistence of her husband because he wanted to up the likelihood of her getting pregnant sooner rather than later (and she was already having cycles!). While I agree with everything you said and think 98% of people need to hear it, including myself and others who find contraception abhorrent, these people who judge other people's reasons for using NFP (and always find them lacking) and might continue risking the life of the mother, that's who the pope was talking to. I mean, he has repeatedly praised large families and encouraged mothers to Breastfeed. It's unfortunate that that doesn't get as much press as this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the reason why he got so much press for this is that everyone expects the pope (whoever he is) to praise large families and no-one expects the pope (even this one) to repeat one of the nastiest anti-Catholics slurs there is. Of course he didn't MEAN he thinks Catholics think they have to breed "like rabbits." But it is SO unfortunate that he used those words. I mean, Ian Paisley used those words. And people say similar things to big Catholic families--not just the parents, but the ACTUAL CHILDREN.

      Meanwhile, I feel awful for the woman he mentioned, and I sincerely hope he was mistaken/exaggerating about the number of Caesarean Sections she had had. I mean--seven. Is that even possible?

      Anyway, it is nice that you are defending Pope Francis. Personally I was brought up not to get excited about popes, and when I actually DID get excited about a pope, he went and abdicated on me.

      Delete
    2. Yes, it is possible to have seven C-sections. My best friend's mother had eight.

      Delete
    3. In his defense, he has praised large families in the past as a "school of solidarity" and "of benefit to the entire society". The man, like Benedict, preaches balance and prudence. Sadly, such qualities seem to be lacking in the Western media.

      Delete
    4. I guess I didn't realize it was such a slur- here in the Bible Belt the slurs have more to do with worshipping Mary- or maybe its that I grew up too late for that to really be true, and four like in my family is just one more than is expected. What can I say about defending the pope? For better or worse, I'm part of the pope-adoring jpii generation and have a special place in my heart for all three popes of my lifetime. Perhaps most especially for the humble academic who now likes to be known as Fr Benedict, but some of the things Francis says really move me, too- he inspired more than one friend of mine (including one who is totally in love with Fr Ben) to give away a significant portion of their wardrobes and shop less.

      Delete
    5. Also, I feel really bad for that woman too! She must know he was referring to her, and she is already pregnant!

      Delete
  5. Sorry for the rambling comments, I think there's a lot of angles on this, but as someone who has been looked on negatively for only having one child for now (I've been married TWO years. She is just one and still nurses a lot!), I appreciate words from the pope (that are, of course, echoed in the catechism and Humanae vitae)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it is INSANE that people look down on you for having only one child, especially after only two years of marriage. They seriously should mind their own business. WHAT is their problem? I would never DREAM of commenting on a married woman's fertility or lack thereof! They should mind their own families and leave other families alone!

      Delete
    2. I know one rather effective retort: challenge them to apply those same standards to the Ratzinger family, and try to tell the Pope Emeritus, in writing, how unfaithful horrible Catholics they are for having "only" three children. Also would have applied to Jan Pawel. Apparently shuts up all but the most loony.

      Delete
  6. One more! Last one! I thought this post was good, putting it in context http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2015/01/breeding-like-rabbits-eh.html?m=1

    ReplyDelete
  7. Upon further reflection, I should add that I really appreciate this post because it proclaims the truth, the goodness of children and genorosity with life, without entering into intra catholic squabbles. If you think my previous comments do that, feel free to delete. Basically all I wanted to say us that I know the people the pope was talking to in that comment. They do exist. But most of us need to hear what you have to say today and what the pope said at a meeting with large families in December (and what he said in the very same interview, that is, a child is always a gift.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Anamaria. I am usually open to other points of view, and it is good to be reminded that people sometimes are, and should stop being, mean to mothers of one or two.

      I pity the person who asks me why I don't have any children. This person has not arrived yet, but when he/she does, he/she will be sorry. Hopefully I will discover how to burst into tears on cue. That'll show 'em.

      Delete
    2. Sorry for commenting all over the place, but:

      I think the Pope was also trying to counter the rather nasty stereotypes (and they are prevalent in the west) that following Church teaching on the family necessarily means eight to twelve children (which I think stems from popular misconceptions about how fertile one can be without artificial birth control, spread by the population controllers). Unfortunately, we live in the age of the soundbite.

      Delete
    3. I wish he had put it that way. However he sounded like he was chastizing Catholics for an apparent misunderstanding of what it meant to be good Catholics--backed up with an example of a mother of eight--not the world for having this crazy misconception of Catholics.

      This soundbite was laugh or cry. Given a choice between eight children and zero, I'd take the eight children. But only if they came with B.A., and I met B.A. too late for that.

      Delete
  8. My Facebook feed has predictably featured some of this sort of discussion. What really struck me was this comment by a Catholic mother-of-three:

    "Some people can have lots of kids and all is rosy. I know of one family that kept having kids - 9 in all - and dad never noticed that mum was not coping. The mother suffered severe mental breakdown and the older children took her away from the family home, because dad still did not get it. Responsible parenthood is what Humanae Vitae talks about. Similarly I know I have been judged because I 'only' had three children. I just chose not to advertise the miscarriages. A priest friend visited my home when daughter was 18mths old and told me it was time for another one. I chose not to tell him I had come home from hospital the previous week after suffering a miscarriage. And some large families become disasters. Parents need to know their personal limitations and those of their spouse. I have known families where the husband refused to learn NFP and was oblivious to the stress his wife suffered."

    Ah, that priest really put his foot in it.

    On a (slightly) related note, childcare in Australia costs an average of $100 (54 pounds) per child per day, with some centres charging $165 (89 pounds) per child per day. If I get married while still fertile, this is just another reason why I want to be a stay-at-home mother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two thoughts. 1. I can understand why the mother-of-three, still in mourning, would choose to sit there hating her priest guest instead of sharing her suffering with him. However, choosing to hate is never a good idea. She owed him the truth. If he was just being an ass, he would have learned something. If not, he could have comforted her. Poor lady. 2. The broken mother of nine reminds me of making a 12 course Wigilia supper by myself. It turns out that Polish women don't make Wigilia by themselves--sisters, aunts, mothers, grandmothers--and even male relations nowadays--help out. In days of yore, the whole extended family helped take care of the little ones. A return to big families necessitates a return to extended families.

      Definitely married couples have to talk about what they can cope with and how they will cope if given more than they think they can handle. Men have to admit when they need their wives or parents to help with the financial burden. Women have to demand rest from the physical demands of childcare. However, let's face it: coping with nine children or priests who gaily say "time for another one" is a minority problem. The vast majority of Catholics in the West contracept, and therefore we are dying out. Convincing Catholics that having large families is a good, beautiful and noble thing is an uphill battle, fraught with fear and hurt feelings.

      Delete
    2. I don't know that she hated her priest, though I am sure she was at least hurt, irritated, and mad. Priests aren't owed every detail of our lives, just our honest sins in the confessional -- and we get to pick the confessor (most of the time). If they want to be the kind of trustworthy priest in whom parishioners confide, they need to act like trustworthy people who would make good confidants.

      Delete
    3. She said he was her friend, so I am guessing he was there at her invitation, not as a nosy old-timey pastor. I can imagine all kinds of priest friends joking "Time for another one!" having no idea the mother would have an interior meltdown. They're men. They can't read minds. And they are increasingly rare, come to think of it.

      Delete
    4. You are so right about the extended family thing. These days women seem to do mothering pretty much in isolation.

      And you're also right about the contraception thing. I hear the lament that because Catholics aren't having so many children any more, there are fewer vocations to the priesthood. Probably true. And then (selfishly) I reflect that because Catholic people my parents' age didn't have that many children...there's no one for me to marry.

      I was playing with my cousin's daughters (aged 2 and 4) the other week, and my babcia made a comment to my mother that went something like this: "When is she going to have babies?" And then my mother had to explain that, well, Julia is actually NOT MARRIED, so let's not put the horse before the cart blah blah blah. And then my cousin joked that I could just do what he did -- namely have two children before marrying their mother.

      Sigh.

      Delete
    5. Ha, ha, cousin. Ha, ha. One of the biggest temptation for Single women just to give in to sexual temptation are family members who have live-in boyfriend and children outside of marriage without any immediately discernible negative consequences. And, of course, you can't do what your male cousin actually did anyway. To be asked when you're going to have babies when you are Single can be breathtakingly painful, as I know personally.

      Delete
    6. Well, just so it doesn't seem that my dear cousin was being cruel, he made his comment jokingly and in an attempt (I think) to diffuse what promised to become a series of Tactless Babcia Questions/Comments, so I'm rather glad he jumped in with the quip. And, well, having children in the way that he did actually did come with (at the very least) inconvenient consequences -- he's a little younger than me, and his Surprise Baby was born when he and his girlfriend were only 20. So goodbye tertiary education for both of them, and hello full-time bank job for him.

      I'd really like to know WHY people ask Singles when they are going to have children. Like, honestly, I'd actually like to know what the reasoning is. Look, asking a married couple about children might be tactless, but you have to admit that it sort of makes sense. But asking little old Single me? Are Single women suddenly capable of reproducing asexually now? Did I miss a memo or something?

      Delete
  9. And yes, I appreciate your post for the reasons already given by others. And my parents, who could only ever have one child, largely agree as well - my mother is one of eight; my father one of nine. They wouldn't have had it any other way, even my mither, who grew up in a peasant family.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

This is Edinburgh Housewife, a blog for Catholic women and other women of good will. It assumes that the average reader is an unmarried, childless Catholic woman over 18. Commenters are asked to take that into consideration before commenting. Anonymous comments may be erased.

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.