Saturday 11 July 2015

New Depths in the Dating World

ITEM: "This Woman Had The Best Answer When A Tinder Date Said She Was Too Fat To Love"

Yikes. First of all, he didn't say she was too fat to love. He said she was too fat to turn him on.

Okay, so this post is most definitely not safe for little brothers, if they know how to read.  Don't click if you don't want to know how the average non-religious sexually-active Single Guy in the UK might think. Remember my mantra: we can find out what guys think, but we won't always like it.

If I had received that email from a date I would have been mortified, although not because the chap just wasn't into me, but because he assumed I assumed we would be sleeping together. I would also be horrified by his frank biological description of why that wouldn't work. Can I imagine a man saying things like that to a woman out loud? To be honest, no.

Prudence is the first casualty of instant-messaging.

As horrified as I am by the man's confession, I am equally horrified by the spectacle of the woman responding to it--and as publicly as she can. Her reply is toe-curlingly ghastly, as is the "You Go Girl" encouragement of The Independent. I cannot overlook the fact that she told him that her friends offered to do him physical harm, or that commentators hoped someone would sexually mutilate him.

Boiled down, what the chap said was, "I'm into skinny girls. You'd make a great pal, but that's not what Tinder is about, is it? It's about sex, and sex just isn't going to happen because I'm all about the skinny. I want to be a Sensitive Man of the 21st Century, but not as much as I want to bag a skinny babe. Sorry."

Boiled down, what the woman said was, "How DARE you call me FAT?! I've been working on it you know, and you have hurt me so much, I have cried before my next date and my weight-loss group, and for your information I have lost 15 pounds and have only 20 to go. I shared your private message with my friends, some of whom now want to assault you. And I'm making this message public because I know you have a daughter, whom as as fellow woman I am sure I care about more than you do, you pig. Clearly you have a problem with strong confident women like me.  P.S. You're short."

The part about confidence is the saddest, for a strong, confident woman would actually have written;

"Thank you for your message. I agree that we are not compatible. Sincerely, Michelle."

My dear little Singles, I hope and pray you never get a such a stupid, soul-searching message from a man to justify his never asking you out again. But if you do, I hope and pray you write nothing in return but "Thank you for your message. I agree that we are not compatible. Sincerely, [You]."  It's called dignity.

[Dear little Boy Singles, if you feel called upon to write a rejection letter, "Dear [Her], You're an admirable woman, but I don't feel a spark. Sincerely, [You], is all  you really need or should say unless she hit you or something. In that case, you could write, "Dear [Her], Because of your behaviour last night, I will not be contacting you again. Please do not contact me. Sincerely, [You]."

And, yes, for the record, I have written incredibly stupid and undignified emails myself.* I regret them all, and when the hard-drives of the world are erased, I will dance for joy amid the rubble of civilization, for I will know that those emails are gone. Do as Auntie says, but not as Auntie does, as Our Lord said to do re: the Pharisees.

Also, I recommend staying off Tinder, and if you must attempt internet dating, confine yourselves to meeting those LOCAL men who use your-niche (e.g. Catholic) dating sites.

*Although never as stupid and undignified as the letter I got from a feminist author whose book I panned. I shall leave instructions for it to be read at my wake, so my survivors can  have some comic relief.


  1. Anyone suspect that the "man's letter" has been lengthened and worsened by the lady? I do. It appears to be similar in length, tone and style to her letter. Most of these "open letters" in response to insults require that the original insult be heinous. The rude other mother in a park must recoil in horror from the baby's birthmark and exclaim loudly. The rude man on a tinder date must write a long screed alternately praising and insulting the chick he went on a single date with -- instead of just never calling her again, which is the normal thing to do. Rudeness happens, and I've seen some horrible things play out in public and online. Perhaps it is all real, and simply a sad example of how the modern full disclosure age lessens everyone's dignity. Perhaps Englishmen do write entire essays to women they've gone on one date with. Perhaps.

  2. If the man writing the letter isn't a fake, he must be deeply troubled to have taken the time and the energy to write a letter painstakingly detailing every sensation he experienced while with his date. I don't think a stable person would've analyzed their own sensations in such depth and then taken the time to share them...

    In terms of an appropriate reaction (to this and other missives), what about just not writing back at all? I admit I've taken that route when I knew the email-writer (ex-boyfriend or just person I wasn't interested in) would just use my reply to continue a conversation I wasn't comfortable with, or interested in, having. I'm not sure if it's terribly polite, but if after one short respectful email the other party keeps emailing asking why I'm not interested (one even gave me a list of a-f options to choose from!), I think silence may be the best policy.

  3. True, Polish Traveller and Julia. Making no response at all is a good choice.

  4. True, Polish Traveller and Julia. Making no response at all is a good choice.


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