In short, he was (Far East) Asian and suicidal because he believed women go primarily for white or black guys who are over 5 feet 10 inches tall and rich. He believed to be successful with women a man has to have two of those characteristics.
Here is his note, for your interest. It is sad but also incredibly detailed and gives an insight into the workings of at least one very unhappy male mind. If you had told him you knew many women who had married short, Asian, penniless dudes, he would have told you that was because those women "couldn't do any better." I note that in his "FAQ" section he completely sidesteps the most obvious question, "Why don't you try Asia?"
Naturally I am appalled by both the note and his self-destruction, and it all seems so very sad. It is just more evidence to me that the single worst enemy of the long-term Single--male or female--is bitterness. A hyper-Darwinist approach to life isn't so great either.
Meanwhile I asked out at least one shortish Asian dude that I can remember, and as that was in high school, he didn't have money. In fact, he came from a poor family. Who else? Oh yes. I am so not telling that story. But also short, Asian and not rich. Meanwhile, I knew lots of [white, if anyone cares] girls in high school who were crazy about Albert, a Korean guy, although he was very tall. Oh, and Simon, whose mother was English and whose father was Vietnamese. Girls were CRAZY about him; Albert was the sort of guy everyone adored for his personality, but Simon was the sort of guy girls dreamed of because of his looks. My mother's good friend (white) married a Chinese-Canadian guy. He's not rich, as far as I know, and definitely not tall. The last time I saw him, he was just your average Canadian hockey dad.
Now I am beginning to feel sad that this guy did not find my blog and write to me. He needed help, psychiatric help mostly, but I suppose I would have been better than no-one. Perhaps it was easier for him to believe that his "lack of love" wasn't coincidence, or just some personality flaw, or something even more easily fixed,but some sort of immutable Darwinian law against shortish, not-rich "Oriental" (his word) men.
Well, people like to make up mythologies. It's not a great trait; it stops us from being rooted in reality. And one seems to have killed this man. That's really sad. I hope the manosphere doesn't get wind of the story.
Update: Clio, I know what you're going to say, but I already thought of Marguerite Duras, and "the lover" was really rich, so there's that.
Update: Clio, I know what you're going to say, but I already thought of Marguerite Duras, and "the lover" was really rich, so there's that.
I am engaged to a short, penniless Asian-of-the-persian-variety?
ReplyDeleteAnd even before I met him, I would never have dated a white guy.
Out of curiosity, why would you not have dated a white guy? My husband is a white guy; he's pretty cool.... Meanwhile I once dated an Afghan (i.e. a West Asian), and he most definitely thought of himself as white.
ReplyDeleteBy Asian, I think the food blogger meant Chinese/Japanese/Vietnamese/Filipino. Although he was in the UK, so perhaps he meant South Asian (Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi) too.
Actually, my fiance thinks of himself as white as well, but he is definitely from Asia anyway! :P
ReplyDeleteAs for not dating a white (as in European) guy, well I hate to generalize, but I have never met one who is not a miserable excuse and at this point I have a visceral reaction against the idea. Of course, there are plenty who are perfectly lovely, but the only one I know personally is my father. I guess I just have terrible luck?
Laika, just purely out of interest, what is your ethnic background?
ReplyDeleteThis is so, so sad, and if the manosphere gets hold of this story I will punch the manosphere in the face.
In general, it is true that one is more likely to see (in Australia, anyway) a "white male/Asian female" couple rather than the other way around, but you know what? I'm seeing more and more white girls with Asian guys. In those cases, I don't remember the Asian men being particularly tall, and I have no way of knowing whether or not the men were rich.
I do wonder if this man had a particular fixation on white women. I see many couples where both the man and the woman are Asians. Did he not want an Asian woman or a black woman or a mixed-race woman?
The only men who have ever shown interest in me to the point of asking me out have been Asians. One of those Asian men who asked me out a few years ago currently has a girlfriend who resembles me quite strongly. Clearly she is happy to date an Asian guy. I'd be happy to go out with an Asian guy if one ever asked me again.
I'd like to know what sort of attempts this man made at asking white women out. I can't date an Asian man if an Asian man doesn't ask me out.
I will now list the white woman/Asian man couples I know of. When I write "Asian man" I am including mixed-race men too, and men who fit the broadest definition of "Asian" heritage, including (perhaps wrongly) Polynesians. Here is what my Facebook account reveals:
A uni friend of mine has a Polish mother and a Vietnamese father, and she recently married an Asian man. He's not tall, and I doubt he's rich, but she is overjoyed to be married to him.
Another uni friend of mine has an Italian father and a Filipina mother, and he dated a white Aussie girl for 6.5 years. He is now dating a white American girl. He's not tall, and not rich (although he is very talented in his field of study.)
My cousin has a Polish father and a Tongan mother, and he is married to a white Aussie girl. He's tall but not rich.
Another uni friend is a white Aussie girl who is dating a Eurasian guy. He's tall (as in probably at least 5'10", if that's what "tall" means), but probably not rich.
One of my mother's white Aussie female colleagues is married to a Korean guy. I doubt he's tall or rich (haven't seen him.) Another of her white woman colleagues lives with and has kids by a Chinese man. He's not tall, but okay, judging by the house he's rich.
Yet ANOTHER uni friend is of Lebanese extraction (they're Caucasians, I think) and she's dating a non-tall, non-tall Asian guy.
Aaand another uni friend is of Ecuadorian (?) Indian and Spanish heritage, and he just married a white blonde girl. He's not tall or rich.
White female med student dating a short Eurasian guy. Wealth unknown.
Non-tall, likely non-rich, but certainly talented and eccentric Eurasian guy dating white Aussie woman.
Tall white woman dating tall Indian (?) guy. Wealth unknown.
Aha! Polish-Aussie girl who just married short, non-rich Asian deacon.
There are probably others too.
I'm Canadian, and like many, many Canadians I'm a mutt of all kinds of European. Actually, I don't have any Mediterranean (that I know of) but only God can say what was going on past my great-grandparents. Blue eyes fair skin, light hair. My fiance claims that I am blonde, but that's only in comparison to Persians.
ReplyDeleteKept thinking about this while I did the shopping.
ReplyDeleteThere are, what? 2.5 billion Chinese? Add that to all the other Asians, and it's pretty clear that Asian men do not seem to have had a problem reproducing. So I'm still not sure why Food Blogger thought that being Asian was a disadvantage in the dating market. It could be in some parts of the world, but then again as a tall white woman I'd be at a disadvantage in some parts of the world too.
As a side note, I live in area that's so heavily populated by South East Asians and East Asians that I don't even notice it when people are Asian unless they have Chinese accents or whatever. If a person of Asian descent has an Aussie or Canadian accent, it'll be a few weeks before I realise that the person is Asian.
Yes, I was thinking that in British Columbia (and now Australia) this guy would have seen all KINDS of inter-racial couples, including Asian guys with white girls. I just can't stop thinking of how people trap themselves into catastrophic thinking.
ReplyDeleteWe can all learn from this guy, which is why I posted the story. First, we can learn something about the crazy theories men come up with and swear up and down are rooted in science. Second, we can learn that guys also get depressed about being single. But most of all, we can learn where bitterness and catastrophizing can take the Single person.
At 5'2", I think a 5'10" guy is pretty tall.
Yes, I was thinking that in British Columbia (and now Australia) this guy would have seen all KINDS of inter-racial couples, including Asian guys with white girls. I just can't stop thinking of how people trap themselves into catastrophic thinking.
ReplyDeleteWe can all learn from this guy, which is why I posted the story. First, we can learn something about the crazy theories men come up with and swear up and down are rooted in science. Second, we can learn that guys also get depressed about being single. But most of all, we can learn where bitterness and catastrophizing can take the Single person.
At 5'2", I think a 5'10" guy is pretty tall.
It's not explicitly stated, but it seems he specifically wanted a white woman. But why? There are plenty of gorgeous Asian, black and mixed-race women, and plenty of rather ordinary white ones.
DeleteAs for the height thing, I'd totally date a man shorter than me, or one who is not considered "tall". "Tall" is a funny concept anyway. I'd never say that a 5'10" man is short, but to me (standing at 5'8"), he wouldn't seem super tall or anything. And to people in the Dalmation Coast, I wouldn't be though of as tall. The average female height there is 5'8".
I think he did want a white woman, and if he had written to me, I would have asked him to have a little think about why that was. For some men "white women" are a status symbol, or represent fuller integration into a western country. By the way, the story did reach the English-speaking "Asian masculinity" corner of the manosphere, and they aren't talking love and marriage over there. Noooo. One guy suggested that the food blogger might have been "a virgin" with the same horror my generation talked about AIDS.
DeleteI really cannot see why any woman would want to go to bed with someone just because he was dying to lose his virginity ("If you don't sleep with me, maybe you are RACIST!").
Do you think that if FEMEN or some other group of sexual revolutionaries went around voluntarily sleeping with sad men so that at least they could brag to each other that they "had lost it" that the men would be grateful to the women or sneer that they were all a bunch of sluts? I mean, look at poor prostitutes. They do the same thing for a fee, and they are treated abominably.
Really, the manophere is a sad, sad symptom of the collapse of civilization. And dollars for doughnuts, it is probably at least partly responsible for the death of this poor man.
Clio here wondering precisely what you think I might say about this unhappy fellow. (I've actually not read Marguerite Duras, so perhaps that's why I'm confused.) Or was it what I might say about the manosophere? The m-sphere that I knew best was sympathetic to men like this, not critical of them. Its main theme is that women in the western world burn out their years of youth and fertility dating alpha men who will never marry them, and then at the end, when they are less suited for marriage after all the emotional baggage they carry, they grab whatever hapless beta is hovering nearby. This view of women is of course a grotesque caricature, and might confuse some hapless souls out there, but I don't think that this particular man seems to have been much affected by it.
DeleteThe poor man's note actually states explicitly that "oriental" women were more likely to date white men than vice versa, which may indicate that he preferred to date white women. But is it not just as likely that he would have been happy to date east Asian women but found that the prettiest were taken by taller, or richer, or whiter/blacker men? Note that he also states that a man could get by with 2 out of 3 of those qualities, not that all 3 were necessary for mating success.
My blame for this man's plight and his ultimate fate would go to depression and the inability to make friends of his own sex, two tendencies which are closely related, and which, at least among men, also make dating success difficult. Women can be depressed and friendless and still find dates/mates (though not always in a good way), but this is much harder for men to accomplish. They need confidence to be able to pursue women, or the simulacrum of it, which is what "game" is supposed to help teach them , however wrongheadedly and unsuccessfully.
Alias Clio
Oh, I thought you would have read "L'Amant", as you have read widely in literature about "alpha males" etc.
DeletePersonally I cannot see why someone outside an ethnic group would get frightfully depressed because he couldn't date within it. A particularly kindly and sensitive-to-the-feelings-of-others Armenian once told me that he felt it is duty to marry another Armenian, and I understood at once.
But perhaps he found he couldn't date within his own ethnic group? As I said, I suspect that was part of why his "last post" emphasized that Asian women seemed to prefer to date white men. I don't think he was reading the "manosphere" much, either. He seems to have been a classic nerd, and he read nerdy science books about dating preferences, according to the links on his website.
DeleteAlias Clio
Poor chap.
DeleteI had someone tell me once that Asian women will marry American/British/Canadian, etc. men, but Asian men only want to marry Asian women, 'because they make better wives than American/British/Canadian, etc. women do.' (I think she meant Asian as in 'from Asia' and not 'of Asian descent.') Oddly, this person was neither male nor Asian. :P
ReplyDeleteI had a Asian-American religious tell me and all of our class that "White women make bad wives." I was the only non-Asian in the course, and the Asian prof made no protest. The whole thing was a nightmare. However, it was no doubt good for me on some level to learn what it is like to be stuck in an outrageously racist environment for a couple of hours every week.
ReplyDeleteThe Asian-American religious also said that his mother would survive the humiliation of him leaving the priesthood, but not of him marrying a white girl. And I said, "Has your mother even MET a white girl?" He thought about that and said, "No, but she sees them on TV."
"No, but she sees them on TV."
DeleteAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
And did the way Asians are portrayed on TV not clue her in, then?
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DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteTV???????? Oh man.
DeleteOn tv? Lol!! oh, dear! :P
DeleteI just went through the ethnicities of all the men that have shown interest and followed through in asking me out (not counting random online dating "hey's"), and I realized that the majority was white North Americans. There were a few euros (Polish, and since I'm Polish that's unsurprising), and there was also a couple of East Indian guys, and one married, philandering Persian. But amongst all of them, the one that I really fell head over heels for was a very short, swarthy, Arab-looking-but-not-Arab Italian/Central American mix. His family was fairly wealthy though...
ReplyDeleteI wonder if white guys simply have more confidence in asking girls out due to this perceived privilege that they have, and that's why they get the most dates?
... that being said, yeah, poor guy. The manosphere ideology is born straight from the pits of hell. And you can tell it is, because in certain ways, it is right. In fact, in many ways! And yet there is that small percent of it which is a complete lie, but it's mingled with the truth in such a way that vulnerable, misdirected men can't recognize lie from truth. And of course, it completely rejects love. It's utterly demonic.
ReplyDeleteThis is just sad, and stupid. I can't believe how much the poison of assisted suicide influenced his mentality. "So everyone who went to Dignitas was mentally ill?" Yes, definitely.
ReplyDeleteAll the dating data proved is that women prefer men of their own race, and secondly the dominant racial group in the area, which is white for Europe and North America. In none of the studies did black men have an advantage with women outside their race.
It's quite untrue that women have to date a tall man. They just mostly prefer the man to be taller than them. My Asian father is very short, just a couple inches taller than my (also short) white mother.
again, it simply sounds like he bought all of the agenda of terrible organisations like Dignitas.
Back on the height thing -- I could be wrong here, but I heard that in colonial Australia, men were discouraged from marrying women much shorter than they were. That's because a big father usually means a big baby, and women who weren't close to their husbands' heights carried a greater risk of dying during labour because the babies were too big for them.
ReplyDeleteAnd, well, that makes sense, right? So I wonder, broadly speaking, why men seem to prefer very petite women and women seem to prefer tall men. Unless of course that's not really true at all.
Whenever other women are like, "Oh, I wish I were tall like you!" I'm like, "What for?" Being tall has its advantages, but I do suspect that men might overlook me (pun not intended) for not being significantly shorter than most of them. One of my males friends says it is true that men are looking for women shorter than they are, and so that might put me at a disadvantage, but, as he so wisely pointed out, there's not much I can do about my height.
I think you should revel in your height. Wear the highest heels you feel comfortable in! One thing I have learned from in life is that it is best just to make your most noticeable features work for you. For me that is my [mad] hair.
ReplyDeleteB.A. is actually rather short, only five inches taller than me. I think it is safe to say that shorter men gravitate towards shorter women. However, I cannot see why a man of 5' 10" feet or more would find a squirt like me more or equally attractive to a woman who can look him in the eye without getting a crick in her neck.
Something about feeling protective and manly, I guess, which is fair enough. I'm not annoyed if men are put off by my height. Anyway, there are still men who are significantly taller than me and who so might not be worried that I'm not 5'4".
DeleteI'm tallish (5'7" and a half, according to the measuring thingy at the doctor's office), but, oddly, it has always been other women who have made me feel incredibly self-conscious about my height. It's just ridiculous the amount of times I've been assured that I'm 'very, very tall, so much taller then they are', and always by women my height or only very slightly shorter. (I even had a family member call me the 'jolly green giant' all through high school.) Nobody actually substantially shorter than me ever seems to feel the need to mention my height. GAH!
ReplyDeleteTall women look fantastic in heels!