Well, cherubs, I have not attempted Internet Dating since 2008, so I imagine I am completely out of touch. Naturally, having recently written about it, I am acquainted with the concept of the "Tinder App" and how it must be putting a serious dent in the world's oldest profession. Why rent the hooker when you can bed one for free? What these women think they are doing, or why they think they should be doing it, or how they can derive much satisfaction from it, is simply beyond me.
However, never mind them. I am curious about Single Catholics' chaste attempts to make friends and find love online. (Naturally I hope you are spending as much time attempting to make friends as to find love because one normally leads to the other.)
How is it going? I know I grump about dating websites exploiting lonely Catholics ("Alone this Easter/Christmas/Assumption Day? You don't have to be!"), but nobody knows better than I how the internet has opened up new opportunities to make friends and find potential spouses. Personally, my favourite method is to write a daily blog and take an interest in my readers. You girls are always welcome to inform me when you will be in town and suggest a cup of coffee. Meeting female readers is always great fun. Men readers provide more of a social challenge, so maybe you should just turn up to After-Mass Tea at the local Extraordinary Form. One came by yesterday; I was astonished to discover that he had quoted me in some seminary assignment. This knowledge made my day. What must the footnote have looked like?!
Anyway, I have guests coming over, so I must fly about baking a cake and tidying the Historical Attic Flat, so you chime in with your reflections and advice about using Catholic dating websites and other internet media to win friends and impress potential spouses.
As you may remember, my principal advice has always been: MEET SOON. MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE. I could also add "Google-stalk the so-and-so until you have exhausted every link," for that is certainly what I would do. Be in no doubt of that!
Monday, 24 August 2015
22 comments:
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I half-jokingly told one of my male friends to find me a husband. He has taken me seriously and is now on the hunt. Oh well. At least he is intelligent and crafty and observant.
ReplyDeleteIs this what you mean when you write that making friends can lead to finding love?
No, I mean people tend to marry one of their friends. Or, if they fall in love at once, one of their friend's friends.
DeleteBut I thought that a man is either interested in/attracted to a woman immediately or he never will be. I didn't think that it can develop slowly for them. And that's why my male friends are in the friend-zone, because if they didn't want to be, they'd have done something about it by now.
DeleteWell, he can be attracted, but there's a big difference between feeling attracted and believing this girl is the ONE, which takes time. To pick the experiences of one random young man from my memory, the procedure is to notice which girls are attractive and then to discern if they have an interesting personality to match. I'd say if a guy isn't interested (and we don't always know if and when they are) within a year, he isn't going to be.
DeleteSo attraction is first, but doing something about it depends on a number of factors, including time. One thing is for sure, attraction does not equal love. As Volker said in my book "There's the kind of girl you're attracted to, and the kind of girl you get a crush on." The girl who wears super-skimpy clothing and sky-high heels in a bar may attract all kinds of men, but the Nice Catholic Boys aren't going to be among the men who try to get a little action.
So the stages are 1. attraction 2. reflection. 3. research 4. more reflection 5. love (or not). Without attraction, no love, but love is certainly not necessary to attraction.
Not "doing something about it" is a perfectly (and often THE perfectly) honourable thing, when a guy is a attracted to the girl but doesn't tell her because he simply doesn't want a romantic relationship with her. I suppose people who hang out in groups of friends where "friends with benefits" is an option carry out soi-disant "no-strings" affairs, but fortunately we're spared such things in Catholic circles. At least, I hope so.
DeleteBy the way, I'm describing GUYS. GUYS feel attraction and then love. GIRLS often don't feel attraction until they feel love. This is why I counsel "It's just Coffee" and "A decent Catholic boy deserves three dates." When I first saw B.A.'s photo, I thought, "Blah! A beard!" If I had seen B.A. on a Catholic dating site, I would have passed him over. B.A., however, would have thought, "Yay! Fuzzy red hair!"
DeleteI've seen the phenomenon of group "friends with emotional benefits" where the general free sharing emotional interaction is an almost certain prelude to a false sense of emotional compatibility and quite a few unfortunate situations. This is among NCB/G circles and may indeed include some element of physical closeness as well.
DeleteOr maybe this is just my natural Anglo-Germanic revulsion to over-sharing and public emotions.
'Not "doing something about it" is a perfectly (and often THE perfectly) honourable thing, when a guy is a attracted to the girl but doesn't tell her because he simply doesn't want a romantic relationship with her.'
DeleteWell, yeah. Precisely. Which is why I acquaintance-zone them! Bahahaha!
Nate, you are so right. I have seen this happen. In fact, I was on the phone to one of my male friends last night for an hour and a quarter trying to explain the bizarre behaviour of some girl who I think is emotionally addicted to him.
DeleteI have noticed a tendency among young Catholic women AND men to spew out their emotions to near-strangers (read: me.) These people are often post-25 years of age too.
Haha, that's awesome, Julia!! You never know. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's been a number of years since I was on an internet dating website, and even then it was only for a few months, but it did cheer me up at a time when I felt like all of the good Catholic guys I was meeting were either dating or married. At least it was a way to meet single Catholic men (And, as an introvert, a less stressful way. :)) and I could see that they existed. :)
But, on the other hand, I felt like it could be difficult to find someone who actually wanted to meet in person? I was really picky and only corresponded with about four of the guys who contacted me, though (One of which made plans to meet me and another I talked on the phone with and we didn't hit it off at all. But the other two I did stop corresponding with after a week or two, so maybe I just didn't give them enough time.), so that could just have been my experience.
And there are some VERY strange people online! :P I found one guy (on a stricter Catholic site, actually) whose profile explained in detail that he wanted a purely Josephite marriage. Um . . .
Um, did he say why?
DeleteNot really. It was all really vague, but I think it might have come down to having weird ides about the Faith, plus or minus a sexual issue. (SSA didn't really seem to be it, but it could have been.)
DeleteDoes the Church even allow Josephite marriages? (From the outset of the marriage, anyway? I kind of thought marriages had to be consummated?)
Joseph and Mary's wasn't, and it was definitely a valid marriage...
DeleteThis is a question for a canon lawyer. I don't know anything about Josephite marriages myself. I recall reading that in the Early Church married men gave up sexual relations when they were ordained to holy orders, but that's it.
DeleteTrue, Cordi! But could the fact that they did not have a sacramental marriage make a difference? Does the code of cannon law in regards to marriage also fully apply to natural marriage as well? (Assuming that cannon law requires consummation. It may not, of course!! :)
DeleteI do know that you can't get married if you aren't physically capable of consummating the marriage, and that couples have to be open to life in order for it to be a valid marriage. But I don't know if that rules out a purely celibate marriage or not?
At any rate, I've always kind of wondered if he found anyone and felt bad for him!
Consummation, even of a marriage between a baptized man and a baptized woman (i.e. a sacramental marriage) does not affect the validity of the marriage. Validity or invalidity is affected by legal or natural capacity for marriage (impediments, perpetual and prior impotence), consent, and form (i.e. canonical form for a marriage involving a Catholic). The fact of non-consummation or consummation pertains to the extrinsic indissolubility of the marriage. A non-consummated, valid, sacramental marriage, may - under certain circumstances - be dissolved by the vicarious power of the Holy Father. In this case, the Pope exercises vicarious divine power to dissolve a true marriage. A consummated, valid, sacramental marriage cannot be dissolved in this way, it can only be dissolved by death.
DeleteThe trickier issue involved in such a marriage is whether there would be an intention to exclude the right - inherent in marriage - to the conjugal act. Such an exclusion amounts to simulating marriage. It is possible, however, for the parties to agree together to not make use of the right truly given and received in marriage. In other words, were one party were to later claim their right (something like, "I would like children, actually!") and the other party were to refuse, then a case could be made that one party excluded the right, and thus simulated consent. If the other party yielded to the desire of the other, and acknowledged his or her right, then it's fair to presume that that party did not exclude it at the time of consenting to marry.
Hope that helps!
That's fascinating! Thanks so much, RJV!
DeleteHappy to share my love of the law!
DeleteI've never done internet dating, but the people-in-a-catalogue format makes me queasy.
ReplyDeleteIt's more fun on Facebook. You look at your friends' Facebook friends and then IM the friends. "Who's this guy? Is he single? Is he nice? Would he like me? Can I meet him?" Bonus: your friends know them and Facebook is free.
DeleteNot in the market anymore :) but I heard some friends talking about a new app called "hinge." It gives you potential matches like tindr, and allows you to message any mutual "yeses," but the difference is that it only gives you matches who are friends with your facebook friends. Sort of a virtual way of meeting at a mutual friend's party! I would imagine it would eliminate most of the creepy options, while still keeping a relatively large pool of potential matches.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.vox.com/2015/3/19/8257357/hinge-explained
That's a very good idea. That way both people could get references, and both people would be on the hook to behave in respectful and respectable ways.
Delete